i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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