yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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