My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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