my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
