it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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