I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
