I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i love accidental penises.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
