don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
