Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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