Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
