if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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