Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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