plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
