I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
