If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
