Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
