they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
