Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
