I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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