well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
