Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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