i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
