Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
