i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
