I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
