These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
