hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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