you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
