I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
