so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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