somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
