Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
