Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
