The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
