On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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