So drunk its hurt
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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