But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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