Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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