if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
