YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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