you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
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i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
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Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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