Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
