made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
