Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
