Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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