My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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