oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
