ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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