I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
