Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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