I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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