Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
