well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
