someone threw a dead crab at me
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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