I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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