i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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