life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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